I am trying

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I am like a shoelace that’s enough to lace up

But too short to secure into a bow

I am that intense relationship meant to heal you

And prepare you for your forever person

I am the intermission

Of a blockbuster movie

I now understand I am the in between

I am trying

To pour my healing into you

So you can move on

And I can start healing

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It’s important for me to make sure you know how I feel

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I don’t want you to ever have to figure it out

When I say I think about you

I am not thinking of the pleasure you bring me

I am thinking if you feel loved today

Wondering if you need your back rubbed

If anyone has touched you and made you feel connected

If anyone has made sure you are fed

If you are overwhelmed

If you need me to listen

If my kisses would make it better

Not fix it, just make it to where it is not so bad

I wish you knew how you made me feel

The profound peace you bring me

No matter how loud and intimidating it gets

When I see you the roar becomes a murmur

Then I touch you and the pressure subsides

Then you touch me and it’s peace be still

Like there is no one else in the crowd

It’s just you for me

When I look up and realise you can function

I worry that it is a me problem

When I can’t see you my insecurities visit

Whispering your aren’t real

Just a whistful fantasy

I wish I could make you feel how I feel

When you smile and say sweet nothings

I hope I invoke in you a fraction

Just a fraction of the everything you invoke in me

Advice from a broken soul

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Trusting that the hand you are reaching for will reach for yours

Takes vulnerability

Connecting to someone important to you when you do not feel worthy

Takes moxie

Feeling safe with anyone after betrayal

Takes trust

Creating an opportunity to foster a together

Takes strength

Openly loving someone you value immensely

Takes courage

Learning from your experience without punishing your partner for what others have done

Takes cognisance

Take the loss

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Do not wake what you cannot put to sleep

Do not ruffle what you cannot unruffle

Do not cause ripples in my still waters

Let my Loch Ness in her magnificence slumber

Let her slumber and her mystery remain plausible but unknown

Do not hunt above your weight class

Graciously take the loss to maintain peace

If you choose chaos

Buckle up buttercup

We will either soar to new heights

Or implode like the proverbial grenade in a napalm bunker

Lunch bag and Kevlar vest

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After nurturing my heart

The love of my life

Protecting her for five years

I placed my trust in the state

Delivered her to a safe haven

Her pathway to enlightenment

Her window into the world

She was accepted by her teacher

Her surrogate mother for the school year

I forgot an important part

It was not on the school shopping list

Military helmet and Kevlar vest

Bullet proof glass partition for Mrs Guehring

To make sure they are equipped

Ready the ambush, the senseless horror

But never fear! Not to worry

I heard the politicians have a handle on it

The agenda well funded with armory funds

Smith and Wesson sent thoughts and prayers

Too bad the counseling funds are still tied up

We cannot treat it, might as well shoot at it

Hello Daddy

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How are you?

Make sure you rest, the last few years were hard.

Mom is okay, she smiles again.

Your kids miss you, its too quiet without you.

Mischief has reduced, its not mischief without the master.

Laughter has visited again, just not the robust thigh slapping time it was.

The sun isn’t as bright and the days not as optimistic.

Your grandkids though…

They will rule the world, you taught them well.

They are fearless and funny!

Courageous and incorrigible!

Ingenious and invincible!

Your spirit in them is unquestionable.

It’s been two years, more smiles blooming in the pain.

You lived unabashedly, I hope I can represent you well.

Now rest, you did your job.

Gave us the tools.

Trust us to carry on the good fight.

My shoes

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You haven’t walked in my shoes

If they have never been stained

By the red mud of Nyaribari

Met a new face at every family gathering

Traveled across oceans

To find what you where escaping from

You haven’t walked in my shoes

If you haven’t doubted your credentials

Suspected your inner imposter of failing up

Discredited your achievements as flukes

Signed your ideas with another moniker

To validate their validation

You haven’t walked in my shoes

If you don’t don bravado in the morning

Most important suit of armor

Pack your insecurity in your lunch bag

The insulated kind

To ensure it’s well managed and secure

Resting in Power

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Disguised in a suite and smile

You are not the caliber of person

To write history through pandering

You embodied achievement

Through grace and conviction

Left a mark

Without raising your voice

Required we conduct ourselves with dignity

Gave a whole generation

A whole race

Pride, vision and a voice

Taught the disenfranchised

That they are seen

You have done your part so rest!

Recover and let us carry this heavy torch

Let the beauty of what you have ignited unfold

Bask in the magic of voicing the voiceless

Change demands a high price and you have paid

Using the strength you carried in those hands

The weight the world thrust upon your shoulders

We know that we did not deserve you

We will however strive to honor you

Stick with me

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I heard what a supportive relationship sounds like

It wasn’t holding a grenade for the other

Grand gestures

Or even expensive gifts

It was soft promises

Backed with action

The cultivation of the quiet confidence

Quiet confidence of a secure partner

The comfort to disagree with respect

To debate without argument

To laugh at ones self and each other without malice

The ability to expect everything from the other

Because you give everything for them

It is when someone says ,”stick with me, I’ll show you the world.”

And they do.

Just keep trucking

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Sometimes it’s small victories that make you smile,
And you celebrate inappropriately with hoots and hollers,
Other times small disappointments make you give up,
Pack it all up and never look back,
Amazing that what should be a debilitating blow so easily shaken off,
Because you don’t recognize the excuse to quit.

Then you get that major victory,
A milestone of the centuries,
Not even a smile crosses your lips,
The collateral damage has deemed it obsolete,
Does this still count as a victory,
What did you give up to get here?

Life is not a mystery,
It’s a journey,
Pick who you travel with,
Take care of those who take care of you,
Love only one,
The one who loves you best.

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